My Chemical.....who else wants to say romance?

So....I woke up late this morning. About 15 minutes before I had to leave for work. Junk. No breakfast for Abbey. The interesting thing is that I had a dream right before I woke up that it was 11 or so and I didn't show up to work and no one had called me yet.

Blah...so anywho, this just started another crappy day to add to this crappy week. Seriously...something every freaking day! Monday...well, that was just an off day, Tuesday I felt nice and fuzzy with the WORST tension everything, Wednesday said goodbye to a friend, Thursday I had issues with my property taxes (The bill was never paid at the closing of my condo purchase like it was supposed to have been and they wanted me to pay almost $700....I don't have that), then this morning.....ack!

Work was just blah, then I went to grab some stuff out of our cold sterile tub. I grabbed it with my bare hands because that's what I normally do. Well, apparently the formula was changed and I feel my left hand burning and my first three fingers are getting white and spotted (like mold) where they touched the liquid. Then they turned red soon after. So I got a minute chemical burn. Weird. It was very minimal, seeing as my hand already seams to be back to normal.

After that I called up Beth because I was going to go shopping with her and David. David took us in his mustang :) Let me tell you, that car rides like butter on toast; smooth. Anywho, I was able to buy pants and a top (all black) for the ensemble performances I will be doing this month. David actually picked out the top; a nice turtle neck with some shimmer. After that he took me and Beth out to dinner at Red Robin....the second time I've been there in less than a week. :) The last time I went was last Saturday with my friend Paul....we went Dutch....Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Um, if you don't know him....he's dutch. It's funny I promise.

Alrighty, now it's time for bed. I'm going to get some much needed sleep!!!

exhausted and somewhat drained

Long day. Busy. But it's good to be busy....then you can't think as much. I still felt slightly off at work today.

Gosh...last night seems like it happened longer ago. My body is drained in entirety, and my soul is definitely tired. So, if this seems choppy, that's why.

I got food for me and my parents after work. They are moving. I will never again see my house that I lived in since I was 10, or my shoninger piano. This is the home where I became who I am today. It's so strange to think it's no longer there for me to go to. More than anything though.....I'm REALLY sad that my parents aren't going to live as close. I know I will get over this, but lately it has been so nice to see them at least once a week and to have dinner with them. I love talking with my mom and it's way easier to talk with her in person than on the phone. I love my daddy's hugs! I'm going to miss those.

I guess it's just a part of growing up.....something which I feel I had to do way too fast sometimes. But my friend Elizabeth Morris said today that we are women of ambition. We set out to complete a goal and we do it....fast! Hahahaha.....some goals aren't that easy though. That's when we play tug-of-war with God and think that we should have something sooner or later. I know that I'm supposed to do something more...I just can't seem to figure it out yet. I've been thinking a ton about singing. I know I've said that I don't ever want to become famous, but then again....isn't singing in front of a crown some sort of fame anyway? I know I would really love something like that. At the same time I think about finding some kind of dental group that goes to third world countries and provides dental treatment.....or even just a simple "regular" mission trip.

Ugh......I'm to tired to be thinking like this..........................it just makes me more restless....which is how I have been for the last week. Blah. I'm going to go eat dinner now....cold cereal. Yup, because I have no energy to make myself food.

Oh! And choir practice went well tonight. I sang hard, and loud. I felt really strong in my solo too...even though I had no monitor :) It will be awesome this Sunday.

And the tears finally fell

My day was...interesting. I volunteered, took a lot of x-rays, numbed an incredibly hard to numb patient, and attempted to communicate in spanish....I didn't do too horribly bad on that one.

Then I went to Clark, because I was right down the street, to say hi to friends. My friend Laurie was not in the best of states. Life is tough for her right now and I knew I needed to be there for her. So I made her call in to work (they only had her scheduled for an hour and a half...) I took her to my house where we did some "boy bashing" (don't worry guys...it's really harmless; we don't talk about "you" specifically...just stupid things boys do in general, that and I think we both suck at trying to talk mean about guys for the most part...hahahaha). Basically her ex-boyfriend and a very good friend of hers are dating/courting now. It was especially hard on her because she wasn't over this guy yet. I was the perfect person to talk to because I know EXACTLY how she's feeling. I've been through it twice.....

Anyways, then I went to Alison's house where me, her and Beth hung out for a while and got our new Bible study book.

So.....I went to my friend Frogg's house to see him one last time before he left back for Alaska. This portion ensues my title (I hardly cry anymore....and I mean really cry. The last time I did was in August). You see...my friend Frogg is in the Army. Next September he will be going to Iraq. He won't be coming back to visit before he leaves for Iraq. He is also going to be storming into buildings when he's there...this is not good for him because he is pretty much the shortest guy in his unit. He will always go in the building first. It dawned on me that I may never see him again after tonight. It hurts so much to think about and every time I do my eyes fill with tears. I cried about half of the 17 minute drive home as well as on Frogg's shoulder before I left.

I know it's still a ways away, but if you read this keep him in your prayers.

Gosh I wish I wasn't alone tonight..... :(

Not the best of days, but not the worst....

Don't feel the best right now. My entire back, neck, head, and shoulders are all aching and the ibuprofen only took the edge off. Thankfully I only felt fuzzy at work, which somewhat sucked because I only had three patients today......slow..........

This was the most amusing thing to me all day. You won't understand it, but that's exactly why it's so funny:

Microscopic description:
Microscopic examination reveal sections of mucosa surfaced by markedly hyperortho and hyperparakeratotic stratified squamous epithelium that exhibit abrupt change at the areas of orthokeratosis showing a prominent granular cell layer while the areas of parakeratosis show variable granular cell layer. There is minimal rete peg formation. The basal layer of epithelial cells shows hyperplasia with prominent nuclear hyperchromatism and alteration of the nuclear cytoplasmic ratio and mild nulcear pleomorphism. The lamina propria contains moderate, chronic inflammatory cell infiltrate consisting predominantly of lymphocytes and scattered brown pigment suggestive of hemosiderin deposition. In the deeper portions of the specimen, there are small blood vessels and nerves with focal perivascular hyalinization.

Diagnosis:
Hard palate: Hyperkeratosis, chronic mucositis and mild epithelial dysplasia.

Yeah....this load of crap (erhm...I mean job security....) means that this person has and area on their hard palate that has thick, abnormal, but non-threatening tissue....that's inflamed. I couldn't stop laughing after I read this. The funny thing is that I understood it......whoa. Now THIS is part of what I went to school for!

I'm going to bed....................

A failure to grasp

I had a pretty okay day today. I couldn't find my keys which nearly caused me to either (1) go into a fit of rage for lack of finding them or (2) break down and cry hysterically. I found them. Praise God. Then Brandon came over and picked me up to go over to Alison and Matt's, with Beth and David as well.

As far as I know everyone had a good time, but I have this looming suspicion that Brandon was a bit uncomfortable; the dynamic of the evenings comings was somewhat different than what he is used to I'm sure. But alas, Beth and Alison's humor kept us all laughing at some point or another.

......I'm still not sure what God's plans are. I think I know the answer that I'm afraid to admit. I don't want a gain and then a loss of something so quickly. I was hoping to get off the roller coaster for a while. I just want this world of confusion to end. I'm tired of feeling alone at times. I long for someone to hold me once again, but why is it that I'm wondering if that will happen again? It seems to me that it won't be for a while if ever again. I want so badly to be wrong.

I write letters so whomever my future husband may be. It is difficult to have such a love (which I know can only be so much not knowing who this person is) and to not have it here, right now, in return. It is painful and so joyous at the same time. I know I'm ready to meet someone, the right someone, and to fall in love. But all I hear is God saying, "he's not ready yet." This drives me nuts because I don't know what that means. Do I know him or not?

I want a life full of love. I want someone who will push me to be more adventurous in life. I want someone who will push me to learn knew things. Someone who takes God's word for what it is and applies it in life. Someone who's heart leads them to make a difference.....even if it's only in one person's life by the simplest thing. Someone who will dance with me; in every aspect of life. Who will make a home with me and raise our children in the eyes of God. The list goes on, but I want to find this person. I want a great love like that of Solomon. I want a Boaz.

God give me peace, for strife rises up within me.

I saw Orion tonight.

It was an interesting day to say the least. My parents came over, my momma bought me flowers!! Then we went and saw a movie called Bella. A unique movie in itself, but well done and with a wonderful message. I have often thought about and prayed for women in situations such as this. Pregnant and not wanting the child they carry. It breaks my heart to think of so many little lives lost, but joyful at the same time knowing that they are in heaven with our Maker.

On with the day....being just me and my parents, none of us really wanted to cook. My sister bailed on us last minute to be with her boyfriend and his family. Needless to say there was little motivation to slave over a feast for three. So...we had ham, garlic potatoes, and corn. I panned fried the ham and it was pretty tasty. My parents had to leave early because my dad is allergic to cats and his lungs were beginning to constrict in an unsettling way.

I decided to call my friend Frogg, who's in town until the 30th, and see what he was doing and hopefully visit for a while. When I got there we played a short game of Apples to Apples with his family. I was grateful for the game to end because I just wanted to go for a walk and unload. Frogg is a great friend. He will just listen to me unload when I need to. It was definitely a bitterly cold night, but at the same time the air consumed my lungs with a feeling I've been longing for some time.

We sat down on a bench at a park where I continued to "word vomit." Orion was in perfect full view. This is my favorite constellation. Not only because it is so easy to find, but, may this sound weird, it seems to me to be regal.

The wind started to pick up and I already couldn't feel my toes; it was time to head back. It felt like we were walking back facing the wind. So I started to....skip! Frogg didn't really want to skip so he started jogging and I soon followed in suit. Let me tell you, I am NOT good at jogging. My legs have always had the ability to sustain activity for fairly long periods of time (such as with dancing) but I have never had the lung capacity for running or jogging. I was able to actually go longer than I have before. It's hardly anything to most people, but it was an accomplishment for me!

This is how it goes......in concordance with the prophecy......

It is Thanksgiving. I know I've got a lot to be thankful for, but somehow it all seems, well, unworthy. I've got a great job, a home, pets, luxuries, friends, a great church, wonderful parents, and even siblings. (ha). I guess its more that thankful isn't the right word. But what words work when it comes to the Creator of all things. The answer, to me at least, is nothing at all. All I can do is to continue to lay down my life for Him and give Him my trust in everything.

It feels great to give God my trust. I know I've been doing that recently....something that I thought I've experienced before, but I now know that I'm actually doing it!!! How do I know this....because I don't trust my own heart. My heart and mind have been going haywire for a while now, but God is keeping me where I am at. He is speaking to my heart and giving it peace.

I want to be a history maker. I want to give the gifts that God gave to me away. I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to live life worth living. It may not seem like much to some of you right now, but I am incredibly different now than I was just seven months ago. I had my heart shattered that long ago by a young man who, at one time, loved me. I was terribly weakened by this event, but was given strength by God to keep stepping forward. However, I am still so unsure of myself around people I don't know. I am very trusting though, which is not necessarily a good thing. I tend to delve right in to deep personal subjects because well....that's my life. My life is anything but ordinary and shallow.

Wow, I'm way off track but I don't care. Anywho, life is nuts in a good way. I know who my closest friends are now that I'm out of school. It's a bummer because I don't get to see some people that I was once close to very often anymore, but God has blessed me with a few wonderful girls who are constant. Alison, Beth, E3, Elizabeth, Lolie, and Rachel. Thank you girls for being there for me!!!!!

So yeah. I don't really expect hardly anyone to read this. I just wanted a somewhat obscure place to write things down. If people read this....I hope it's not to lull you to sleep.