A failure to grasp

I had a pretty okay day today. I couldn't find my keys which nearly caused me to either (1) go into a fit of rage for lack of finding them or (2) break down and cry hysterically. I found them. Praise God. Then Brandon came over and picked me up to go over to Alison and Matt's, with Beth and David as well.

As far as I know everyone had a good time, but I have this looming suspicion that Brandon was a bit uncomfortable; the dynamic of the evenings comings was somewhat different than what he is used to I'm sure. But alas, Beth and Alison's humor kept us all laughing at some point or another.

......I'm still not sure what God's plans are. I think I know the answer that I'm afraid to admit. I don't want a gain and then a loss of something so quickly. I was hoping to get off the roller coaster for a while. I just want this world of confusion to end. I'm tired of feeling alone at times. I long for someone to hold me once again, but why is it that I'm wondering if that will happen again? It seems to me that it won't be for a while if ever again. I want so badly to be wrong.

I write letters so whomever my future husband may be. It is difficult to have such a love (which I know can only be so much not knowing who this person is) and to not have it here, right now, in return. It is painful and so joyous at the same time. I know I'm ready to meet someone, the right someone, and to fall in love. But all I hear is God saying, "he's not ready yet." This drives me nuts because I don't know what that means. Do I know him or not?

I want a life full of love. I want someone who will push me to be more adventurous in life. I want someone who will push me to learn knew things. Someone who takes God's word for what it is and applies it in life. Someone who's heart leads them to make a difference.....even if it's only in one person's life by the simplest thing. Someone who will dance with me; in every aspect of life. Who will make a home with me and raise our children in the eyes of God. The list goes on, but I want to find this person. I want a great love like that of Solomon. I want a Boaz.

God give me peace, for strife rises up within me.