Only a season

I have been too busy. But....Christmas is over, my cats are fixed, and I get to keep doing too much till December, January, and the beginning of February are over. Ha.

My Christmas was good, we had lasagna Christmas eve, and incredibly good rib eye roast on Christmas. We played some cards, and the Wii, I had some friends come over, and I didn't want it to end. :) I also saw AvP requiem. It was good for the action but there was no plot...ugh!

Oh! Backtrack, I went out dancing on the 23rd and looked gorgeous! I felt so pretty :) I went with Stephen and Nicc and saw a bunch of other friends there too. I did get ready with Elizabeth beforehand though. We sorta got mini makeovers....the people there thought that it was hilarious that I don't know how to wear mascara. I hate that stuff!! But when they put it on my eyes popped! That and my eyelashes looked twice as long....weird.

I'm going skiing this weekend with my sister, her boyfriend Joe, Nicc and some of his friends; I hope I enjoy myself because it has been freaking forever since I went up on a mountain. BUT....I used to be pretty decent. I mean, I was doing black diamond runs when I was 8. But still...that was a long, LONG time ago!

I'm going to go make dinner now!

alkdtheg'l ;;' My gosh it's late!

Yeah...I shouldn't be writing this, but I thought that I would anyways since it's already freaking late. I had an alright 21st. Six people came (one I didn't know....), and I'm not including myself. I had a giant strawberry margarita, a shot of tequila, and another regular strawberry margarita. I was stumbling and got pretty chatty. All in all I felt like I was on Nitrous Oxide. It's fun at first, but then you get tired of it and want it to go away. The funniest thing I think I said all night was "Please tell me that picture is actually crooked!" Yeah, at Chevy's they have tilted pictures on the wall; everyone just laughed at me.

I did not wake up with a hang over. Ariel drove me home and she made me eat bread and drink four big glasses of water. I slept pretty well too.

Today I hung out with my mom, had an amazing lunch (we went to Red Lobster - my dinner contained half of a snow crab, a lobster tail, garlic shrimp, and breaded shrimp. I also had a salad, french fries, and part of a piece of key lime pie.) Then I went to a performance, after that hung out with Elizabeth, Josh, Stephen, and Nicc. We watched a very odd movie and stayed there till just after midnight.

Then I took Nicc and Stephen home. Then me and Nicc hung out for a while and I took him to his friend Brian's place where me, him, Brian, and their friend David hung out. They were drinking a little and Nicc and I shamelessly flirted; it's what we do. We've known each other for a little over nine years, and we are six days apart. That and we had crushes on each other about six years ago. Super sweet guy. I had fun, but now I'm exhausted and I want to spend time with my kitties!!!

Sorry this isn't very exciting or written with more gusto.

I had a good title for this at one point.....?

You know that so many things in this life aren't that important when you can't remember them anymore....I had so much to say this morning....oh wait! I remember. I got pulled over. Yup, first time ever. The officer was nice and it only took, hmm, five minutes - maybe not even that. I still got to work on time though.

Today...I worked, same thing, but I did have some very nice, sweet patients. Got a birthday present from work, a beautiful vase with two matching candle holders. LaDonna wanted to get me a nicer present so she didn't get cake; however, a patient brought in a devilish (and it really was) chocolate cake. I felt like I gain five pounds after eating a small sliver. I think I'm still gaining weight too. As long as I don't have to buy more clothes I'm fine. :)

So yeah, came home and felt kind of blah....I decided to get cleaned up and go out dancing. There was hardly anyone there, but it still turned out to be a pretty decent night. Thank you Christian, Larry, Robert, and Rick! They made the night worth it! That and I did get a birthday dance which was nice....I've never had a birthday dance before. I'm hoping to maybe go out on Saturday and get one at a place where there's a heck of a lot more people, but that's way out in Tigard.

I feel like tomorrow's just another day and nothing special. At least at this moment it doesn't seem to matter that my birthday is tomorrow. I'm sure it will be a good day, aside from the nine patients that I have scheduled. I guess things like holidays and birthdays don't seem to stand out to me any more. Why is any day singled out to be better than the rest? If we all strive to live life with a daily joy and zeal (which I know I have been lacking a little as of late) the world would be a better place.

P.S. I did get the COOLEST thing ever!!!!!!! It's a small fuzzy electric pig that walks and makes piggy noises while it wiggles it's nose! My cats are so freaked by it!

I'll hat you later

Aahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm crazy, but I'm headed towards and even higher level :) My day today was so busy, I had to take x-rays on every patient and it was a FULL day! Each appointment was filled and everyone came. That and my boss sliced her finger....it was really bad! We had to pretty much force her to go to urgent care next door and get stitches. It took eight to close up her finger. And this was only midday! We all managed to get through the day.

I made it to a meeting that I had at 6:00pm and 6:05pm. I get to teach first year dental hygiene students their duty for Children's Dental Health Day in February. That day will be crazy! Last year I was a part of it and we gave about 300 children free dental care. I worked everywhere that day. I placed sealants, I was a rover for bringing kids to and from where they were supposed to go, I took probably at least 100 x-rays if not more (I had a new patient in the chair about every five minutes for a little while....), I gave dental education and post operative instruction, and I assisted a dentist doing fillings. This coming year I hope to either being taking x-rays all day or doing fillings with Dr. Ris. I will probably be doing fillings.

Anywho, after that I went over to Beth's to finish wedding programs. Alison, Matt, Jared, and David were tall there. I also got to meet David's dog, Max. Oh wow this dog....is part cat I swear! Not only that, but his dog had this black frisbee thing and....well, he wanted me to play with it. I told him no, and David...wow, um....he said that it wasn't a frisbee but a diaphragm for a large black woman. Oh my freaking GOSH!!!! I can't believe I heard that come out of his mouth! Me and Alison laughed incredibly hard. Wow. Um, yeah. So now me and David have this thing (something different from the frisbee). He was spelling sherpa hat yesterday and spelled h-i-t instead. So when I told him goodbye I told him that I would hat him later :)

So I hung out with my boss this weekend.....

Yeah, I'm kind of surprised at how much I saw my boss this weekend. It was pretty cool actually. Gospel Christmas was absolutely wonderful!!!!!! I had fun getting all dressed up too and managed to actually wear makeup *gasp*. I really hardly ever wear makeup. The last time I did was at my graduation in June. That and when I do, most people can't even tell that I am. W00t!

Oh! I love the sound the heals make when they hit the ground. Just a little thing about me. :)

Other than that, I had brunch with my co-workers this morning (or....yesterday). I technically had my first official drink (yeah I know....only four more days and it would be "legal") It was a mimosa. Champagne and orange juice with strawberries. There was like....BARELY any alcohol in it. In fact I couldn't even taste it and it wasn't any different than drinking orange juice with Sprite. So it really didn't feel like I had a drink. I will have a REAL drink on Thursday. P.S. If anyone is up for it, I'm going to Applebee's with some friends at about 8:30pm. Highway 99. :)

Other than that, I got home after ensemble practice. I made a scrumptious dinner and needed to eat it with someone else (cause there was a lot!). Called a few people, then I called Beth to talk with her about this Thursday and she was busy making programs for a wedding and I offered to come over with food and help her with programs. Sad for Paul though because he called me right after I made plans with Beth....he was hungry.

I need to go sleep. Goodnight/morning.

Lack-luster.

I feel kind of blah. My mind has been racing and just moving non-stop for the past several days. It hasn't been a bad couple days....just tiring. I dunno. Do you ever just feel like you don't fit in? I feel like that all too often. I'm too young to be old, but I'm too established to be young. I'm too strong and independent to be approachable, but no one is right for me anyways....at least not right now. That and my personality is not that easy to get along with (yeah...I've been told that.)

I am usually constantly stressed, but it has become such a normal part of my life that I don't stress about it anymore. Did I mention that my logic doesn't make sense to most people? I like puzzles; I'm used to a perfect fit. Maybe that's my problem ;) Life doesn't fit into our perfect little boxes we design for them.

Ugh. I was just reminded about memories today....and that brought up even more memories. I miss feeling needed....in all relationships, but yes, mostly a romantic one. People don't need me like they used to. I used to be the one people went to for advice (some still do occasionally), but I'm no longer that person. And because people don't need me, I feel like I'm just becoming a fading season. I've been the friend to give advice, the shoulder to lean on, the ear to listen, the girl to give you confidence.

I think a lot of people in this world are either (1) really selfish or (2) think that everyone else is too selfish. I know there's a happy medium....something that I need to find. I don't know where that is though. Anyone care to give me their thoughts? How about this....is it selfish to be upset when someone else is throwing a party on your birthday? Ah, sorry....I don't know where I'm going with this, but I don't want to keep explaining that last part, but I'm keeping it as a valid question.

A lot of people have told me that if you want something so much, that you have to stop looking for it and then it will appear. I don't want to look for anything, but I can't help but keep my eyes open. I feel like I'm pleading with God....like a child wanting candy in the grocery store, but He sure as heck isn't letting me get what I wish I had. Hahahaha....He has something else "homemade" waiting for me. Frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just waiting. No excitement here.

Pizzaz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This week has seemed to go off without too many hiccups. Yay! Um, Monday....My boss got us all at work cute earrings :) She also gave me a copy of Handle's Messiah :) Tuesday.....Paul came over after he got off work (at like 9:45pm) and I fed him and we watched One Crazy Summer! Fan-freaking-tastic movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was made in 1986..yeah...that just makes it rad. And we learned that my left knee is ticklish, but my right one isn't as much. That and if you tap me on my left shoulder I will laugh my higher pitched laugh. I'm being conditioned by Paul to do so....yeah, this started at his house almost two weeks ago around 2:00am. Good times.

Um...I worked yesterday at a different office. That went well, saw two girls I knew; one I went to hygiene school with and the other I went to dental assisting school with. I was incredibly tired last night too, so I went to bed at 10:00pm. I woke up just past midnight and freaked out because I thought that I was late to work because I felt rested....I had to check two clocks before I would let myself go back to bed.

Got to be a patient in the dental chair today. I got two fillings....in between the teeth!!! Yeah....that's bad. I diagnosed one of them myself though :) Anywho, before that...I worked really hard on a patient. I felt like I was jack hammering concrete at one point. That and I had to hold a tooth stable while cleaning it so it wouldn't come out.....whoa!

Nothing much else...Oh! I got my Pizzaz! An early birthday present from my family. It's this amazing pizza cooker that works right on the counter top IN FRONT OF YOUR EYES!!!! Trust me....this is the best way to make pizza! Yum! Oh! And my birthday is in a week. It should be chill. Most people don't remember it so it is usually really lax. Alcohol *whoop-dee-doo....* I had some alcohol...never a full drink. I did successfully make some people think that I had alcohol last Saturday though....hee-hee, it was a martinelli bottle. It's interesting because in some of the pictures you can actually see the lable. Wow....

Anywho, *heart, heart* everyone.....I'm off to eat food!

Just Like the Iron

Sharpening a dental instrument requires skill. You must know the angle and shape of each different tip. You must also know the proper angle at which to sharpen such instruments with your stone. If you do not take great care in keeping up with sharpening an instrument, once it's dull, it takes great effort to get it back to the original angle; it may, however, be weakened.

"As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend." Proverbs 27:17

This may seem a strange relation to some of you, but I for one am astounded by the parallelism. How are you "sharpening" your friends, and who is sharpening you? It is not an easy task given by God, but a necessary one. If we are not kept in the Lord's ways and there is no encouragement, then we go dull fast. The longer the wait, the harder to return to what once was. If we are deceived and sharpened in the wrong way, it take even greater effort to return to what we were; this is usually accompanied by loss.

If and instrument in dentistry is not used, yet sterilized again with the set it is apart of, it will still become dull.

"Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season..." 2 Timothy 4:2

I had a conversation with a good friend tonight. She wants to know why she believes in what she does. There is a verse I know (which is failing to come to me this night as I look through my Bible) that tells us to be ready with an answer lest anyone question our faith. Do not forget your faith and what your purpose for the Lord is.

"For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope." Romans 15:4

"But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of a man he was. But he who looks into the perfect law of liberty and continues in it, and is not a forgetful hearer but a doer of the work, this one will be blessed in what he does." James 1:22-25

I want to be that doer. It's not an easy task. I may grow weary, but God will keep me strong. He will carry your burden alongside you too. Let us all join together in community as we strive to be just like the iron.

"And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." Galations 6:9

I hope as you read this it finds your heart, for this has been on mine for the last week. It's much less than what it should be, but I leave it to you, in challenge, to seek God in His word, and to live for him and others wholeheartedly. But do not forget yourself in the midst of this. You must learn to treasure and keep your own temple; it is then that you can fully give of yourself to others.

"Let us therfore come boldly to the throne of grace..." Hebrews 4:16

Can I just PLEASE get a break?!

Woke up this morning after five hours of sleep. My cats successfully slept in my room without driving me batty, waking me up at two in the morning only to throw them in the bathroom; literally, but gently. I couldn't believe they slept!

Singing this morning went pretty well. Although somehow in the second service my mic was turned off. I wasn't sure if it was the sound booth or not, so I turned to Luanne (the ensemble/choir director) and she turned it on for me while I was singing..fun. Even with the hiccups I think it went fairly well. Although I was really tired and still am. I nodded off during prayer too for about 10 or so seconds.

So...I finally get home after being at church for nearly eight hours. I decided to clean up, I really want to make cookies, but I just don't have the energy to do it all by hand; I don't have a mixer yet.

Blah, blah, blah, I decide to get my bills paid....I find one that's overdue. Not to mention my sister had a bill of mine that she did not give me right away, and so that may be late too. Oh, but wait! My mortgage was due on the first and I have it set up on automatic payment from my checking accout....yeah, they didn't draw, so I get to figure that out tomorrow. And yet again...there's more. I have to renew my hygiene license; apparently I'm supposed to have 15 hours of continuing education to renew. I don't have that. I JUST got out of school and have been working my a$$ off since I got a job. So.....I get to lie to the department of health, because I can't practice without a license and they may or may not request documentation of these continuing education courses. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it, but what else can I do? I can't lose my job. The worst thing that will happen is I will have so many days to complete 15 hours of CE to make up for my lack of documentation.

I am frustrated....but in an oddly calm way. I don't like the feeling of chaos, and that is exactly what I'm feeling. I have so much to do, with so little time. I'm working five days this coming week, four the next while turning 21 and having four performances, and then working five days the week after that, and then I get to try to fit in Christmas in the next week after that!

I need some prayer. I feel as though I'm a fairly strong woman by the grace of God, but I have too much of my plate right now and I can't get rid of any of it. Isn't this time of year supposed to be happy and joyful? It seems as though the media has sucked those parts of this season out! I for one am choosing to focus on the love of God through His wonderful gift of His Son.

An unexpected Saturday night and a much easier goodbye

An interesting turn of events. My friend Frogg was able to take a later flight back to Alaska so he was able to hang out tonight. Brandie and Laurie joined us as well. We goofed off a whole bunch, and took quite a few pictures.

I guess I don't have too much to say, but at the same time I feel like I have everything to say. It's very disheartening when friends are struggling with something, whatever that may be, and then I feel helpless to give advice. Frogg (his real name is Steven) really doesn't have a heart to go back to the Army in Alaska. He also just found out that the two guys, Christian guys, who are there for him will be transferred to a different unit. He feels very alone right now.

I've been where Frogg is at many times.....it's just hard to encourage him when things just seem to be in the crapper. Both Frogg and I have been through many trials....many similar ones in fact which is why we became such fast friends. But this time it didn't seem to matter. Ugh!

Me and Brandie we finally able to make Frogg retreat from his sorrows momentarily. Although.....we got on the worst discussion topic ever, and now that I think about it....really shallow. Basically Frogg started talking about girls and looks......first is Wow, Beautiful, Gorgeous, Pretty, Ok, and....well..basically ugly. He opened his large mouth and let's just say that no one was pretty by the end. Just a word of advice guys...don't do this.

Looks and beauty is not a competition. That's why this world is so messed up, and so many girls don't think that they are worth it to a guy. There are days when a woman doesn't feel lovely....I know I've had them, but I'm lucky to have a pretty good self esteem. It just pains me to see a girl crying because someone said she wasn't pretty enough, or whatever! I'm beautiful to God and so is everyone else, men and women alike!

Gosh, I feel like there is a much better way to say everything that I've said tonight, but nothing is coming....Well, I said goodbye to Frogg again. It was much easier and without tears this time. So now I'm going to bed to get five hours of sleep :) I get to sing today! Goodnight!

Oh, and I hope you enjoyed this "not-so-useful" entry floating around on cyberspace ;) Hahahahaha...... I'm amused by something a friend said.

My Chemical.....who else wants to say romance?

So....I woke up late this morning. About 15 minutes before I had to leave for work. Junk. No breakfast for Abbey. The interesting thing is that I had a dream right before I woke up that it was 11 or so and I didn't show up to work and no one had called me yet.

Blah...so anywho, this just started another crappy day to add to this crappy week. Seriously...something every freaking day! Monday...well, that was just an off day, Tuesday I felt nice and fuzzy with the WORST tension everything, Wednesday said goodbye to a friend, Thursday I had issues with my property taxes (The bill was never paid at the closing of my condo purchase like it was supposed to have been and they wanted me to pay almost $700....I don't have that), then this morning.....ack!

Work was just blah, then I went to grab some stuff out of our cold sterile tub. I grabbed it with my bare hands because that's what I normally do. Well, apparently the formula was changed and I feel my left hand burning and my first three fingers are getting white and spotted (like mold) where they touched the liquid. Then they turned red soon after. So I got a minute chemical burn. Weird. It was very minimal, seeing as my hand already seams to be back to normal.

After that I called up Beth because I was going to go shopping with her and David. David took us in his mustang :) Let me tell you, that car rides like butter on toast; smooth. Anywho, I was able to buy pants and a top (all black) for the ensemble performances I will be doing this month. David actually picked out the top; a nice turtle neck with some shimmer. After that he took me and Beth out to dinner at Red Robin....the second time I've been there in less than a week. :) The last time I went was last Saturday with my friend Paul....we went Dutch....Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Um, if you don't know him....he's dutch. It's funny I promise.

Alrighty, now it's time for bed. I'm going to get some much needed sleep!!!

exhausted and somewhat drained

Long day. Busy. But it's good to be busy....then you can't think as much. I still felt slightly off at work today.

Gosh...last night seems like it happened longer ago. My body is drained in entirety, and my soul is definitely tired. So, if this seems choppy, that's why.

I got food for me and my parents after work. They are moving. I will never again see my house that I lived in since I was 10, or my shoninger piano. This is the home where I became who I am today. It's so strange to think it's no longer there for me to go to. More than anything though.....I'm REALLY sad that my parents aren't going to live as close. I know I will get over this, but lately it has been so nice to see them at least once a week and to have dinner with them. I love talking with my mom and it's way easier to talk with her in person than on the phone. I love my daddy's hugs! I'm going to miss those.

I guess it's just a part of growing up.....something which I feel I had to do way too fast sometimes. But my friend Elizabeth Morris said today that we are women of ambition. We set out to complete a goal and we do it....fast! Hahahaha.....some goals aren't that easy though. That's when we play tug-of-war with God and think that we should have something sooner or later. I know that I'm supposed to do something more...I just can't seem to figure it out yet. I've been thinking a ton about singing. I know I've said that I don't ever want to become famous, but then again....isn't singing in front of a crown some sort of fame anyway? I know I would really love something like that. At the same time I think about finding some kind of dental group that goes to third world countries and provides dental treatment.....or even just a simple "regular" mission trip.

Ugh......I'm to tired to be thinking like this..........................it just makes me more restless....which is how I have been for the last week. Blah. I'm going to go eat dinner now....cold cereal. Yup, because I have no energy to make myself food.

Oh! And choir practice went well tonight. I sang hard, and loud. I felt really strong in my solo too...even though I had no monitor :) It will be awesome this Sunday.

And the tears finally fell

My day was...interesting. I volunteered, took a lot of x-rays, numbed an incredibly hard to numb patient, and attempted to communicate in spanish....I didn't do too horribly bad on that one.

Then I went to Clark, because I was right down the street, to say hi to friends. My friend Laurie was not in the best of states. Life is tough for her right now and I knew I needed to be there for her. So I made her call in to work (they only had her scheduled for an hour and a half...) I took her to my house where we did some "boy bashing" (don't worry guys...it's really harmless; we don't talk about "you" specifically...just stupid things boys do in general, that and I think we both suck at trying to talk mean about guys for the most part...hahahaha). Basically her ex-boyfriend and a very good friend of hers are dating/courting now. It was especially hard on her because she wasn't over this guy yet. I was the perfect person to talk to because I know EXACTLY how she's feeling. I've been through it twice.....

Anyways, then I went to Alison's house where me, her and Beth hung out for a while and got our new Bible study book.

So.....I went to my friend Frogg's house to see him one last time before he left back for Alaska. This portion ensues my title (I hardly cry anymore....and I mean really cry. The last time I did was in August). You see...my friend Frogg is in the Army. Next September he will be going to Iraq. He won't be coming back to visit before he leaves for Iraq. He is also going to be storming into buildings when he's there...this is not good for him because he is pretty much the shortest guy in his unit. He will always go in the building first. It dawned on me that I may never see him again after tonight. It hurts so much to think about and every time I do my eyes fill with tears. I cried about half of the 17 minute drive home as well as on Frogg's shoulder before I left.

I know it's still a ways away, but if you read this keep him in your prayers.

Gosh I wish I wasn't alone tonight..... :(

Not the best of days, but not the worst....

Don't feel the best right now. My entire back, neck, head, and shoulders are all aching and the ibuprofen only took the edge off. Thankfully I only felt fuzzy at work, which somewhat sucked because I only had three patients today......slow..........

This was the most amusing thing to me all day. You won't understand it, but that's exactly why it's so funny:

Microscopic description:
Microscopic examination reveal sections of mucosa surfaced by markedly hyperortho and hyperparakeratotic stratified squamous epithelium that exhibit abrupt change at the areas of orthokeratosis showing a prominent granular cell layer while the areas of parakeratosis show variable granular cell layer. There is minimal rete peg formation. The basal layer of epithelial cells shows hyperplasia with prominent nuclear hyperchromatism and alteration of the nuclear cytoplasmic ratio and mild nulcear pleomorphism. The lamina propria contains moderate, chronic inflammatory cell infiltrate consisting predominantly of lymphocytes and scattered brown pigment suggestive of hemosiderin deposition. In the deeper portions of the specimen, there are small blood vessels and nerves with focal perivascular hyalinization.

Diagnosis:
Hard palate: Hyperkeratosis, chronic mucositis and mild epithelial dysplasia.

Yeah....this load of crap (erhm...I mean job security....) means that this person has and area on their hard palate that has thick, abnormal, but non-threatening tissue....that's inflamed. I couldn't stop laughing after I read this. The funny thing is that I understood it......whoa. Now THIS is part of what I went to school for!

I'm going to bed....................

A failure to grasp

I had a pretty okay day today. I couldn't find my keys which nearly caused me to either (1) go into a fit of rage for lack of finding them or (2) break down and cry hysterically. I found them. Praise God. Then Brandon came over and picked me up to go over to Alison and Matt's, with Beth and David as well.

As far as I know everyone had a good time, but I have this looming suspicion that Brandon was a bit uncomfortable; the dynamic of the evenings comings was somewhat different than what he is used to I'm sure. But alas, Beth and Alison's humor kept us all laughing at some point or another.

......I'm still not sure what God's plans are. I think I know the answer that I'm afraid to admit. I don't want a gain and then a loss of something so quickly. I was hoping to get off the roller coaster for a while. I just want this world of confusion to end. I'm tired of feeling alone at times. I long for someone to hold me once again, but why is it that I'm wondering if that will happen again? It seems to me that it won't be for a while if ever again. I want so badly to be wrong.

I write letters so whomever my future husband may be. It is difficult to have such a love (which I know can only be so much not knowing who this person is) and to not have it here, right now, in return. It is painful and so joyous at the same time. I know I'm ready to meet someone, the right someone, and to fall in love. But all I hear is God saying, "he's not ready yet." This drives me nuts because I don't know what that means. Do I know him or not?

I want a life full of love. I want someone who will push me to be more adventurous in life. I want someone who will push me to learn knew things. Someone who takes God's word for what it is and applies it in life. Someone who's heart leads them to make a difference.....even if it's only in one person's life by the simplest thing. Someone who will dance with me; in every aspect of life. Who will make a home with me and raise our children in the eyes of God. The list goes on, but I want to find this person. I want a great love like that of Solomon. I want a Boaz.

God give me peace, for strife rises up within me.

I saw Orion tonight.

It was an interesting day to say the least. My parents came over, my momma bought me flowers!! Then we went and saw a movie called Bella. A unique movie in itself, but well done and with a wonderful message. I have often thought about and prayed for women in situations such as this. Pregnant and not wanting the child they carry. It breaks my heart to think of so many little lives lost, but joyful at the same time knowing that they are in heaven with our Maker.

On with the day....being just me and my parents, none of us really wanted to cook. My sister bailed on us last minute to be with her boyfriend and his family. Needless to say there was little motivation to slave over a feast for three. So...we had ham, garlic potatoes, and corn. I panned fried the ham and it was pretty tasty. My parents had to leave early because my dad is allergic to cats and his lungs were beginning to constrict in an unsettling way.

I decided to call my friend Frogg, who's in town until the 30th, and see what he was doing and hopefully visit for a while. When I got there we played a short game of Apples to Apples with his family. I was grateful for the game to end because I just wanted to go for a walk and unload. Frogg is a great friend. He will just listen to me unload when I need to. It was definitely a bitterly cold night, but at the same time the air consumed my lungs with a feeling I've been longing for some time.

We sat down on a bench at a park where I continued to "word vomit." Orion was in perfect full view. This is my favorite constellation. Not only because it is so easy to find, but, may this sound weird, it seems to me to be regal.

The wind started to pick up and I already couldn't feel my toes; it was time to head back. It felt like we were walking back facing the wind. So I started to....skip! Frogg didn't really want to skip so he started jogging and I soon followed in suit. Let me tell you, I am NOT good at jogging. My legs have always had the ability to sustain activity for fairly long periods of time (such as with dancing) but I have never had the lung capacity for running or jogging. I was able to actually go longer than I have before. It's hardly anything to most people, but it was an accomplishment for me!

This is how it goes......in concordance with the prophecy......

It is Thanksgiving. I know I've got a lot to be thankful for, but somehow it all seems, well, unworthy. I've got a great job, a home, pets, luxuries, friends, a great church, wonderful parents, and even siblings. (ha). I guess its more that thankful isn't the right word. But what words work when it comes to the Creator of all things. The answer, to me at least, is nothing at all. All I can do is to continue to lay down my life for Him and give Him my trust in everything.

It feels great to give God my trust. I know I've been doing that recently....something that I thought I've experienced before, but I now know that I'm actually doing it!!! How do I know this....because I don't trust my own heart. My heart and mind have been going haywire for a while now, but God is keeping me where I am at. He is speaking to my heart and giving it peace.

I want to be a history maker. I want to give the gifts that God gave to me away. I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to live life worth living. It may not seem like much to some of you right now, but I am incredibly different now than I was just seven months ago. I had my heart shattered that long ago by a young man who, at one time, loved me. I was terribly weakened by this event, but was given strength by God to keep stepping forward. However, I am still so unsure of myself around people I don't know. I am very trusting though, which is not necessarily a good thing. I tend to delve right in to deep personal subjects because well....that's my life. My life is anything but ordinary and shallow.

Wow, I'm way off track but I don't care. Anywho, life is nuts in a good way. I know who my closest friends are now that I'm out of school. It's a bummer because I don't get to see some people that I was once close to very often anymore, but God has blessed me with a few wonderful girls who are constant. Alison, Beth, E3, Elizabeth, Lolie, and Rachel. Thank you girls for being there for me!!!!!

So yeah. I don't really expect hardly anyone to read this. I just wanted a somewhat obscure place to write things down. If people read this....I hope it's not to lull you to sleep.